Thursday, August 03, 2006

My Dear - 3

To Amma

My dear Amma

How are you? It has been 2 years since we spoke to each other and 4.5 years since I had last visited home.. strangely.. i dont miss you at all or appa or rajanna or senthanna or pappyka.. deep down I have always been ready for this.. it all started when, in a fit of anger.. all of 8 years old I said i wanted to run away from home and you said.." you should have.. ..why did you come back?".. or " I named you "... " because at that time she was our neighbour and i thought appa had a fancy for her.. i hate you as much as i hate your name.." or when i came back after 3 years in the hostel for the first time and both senthenna and rajanna wldnt bother to take their eyes of the TV to wish me a simple "hi".. or when i thought you were upset because akka did not like your choice of invitation for her "seemantham" and hence helpfully offered " dont worry amma.. is shall have that for! mine.." and you said.." dont you think i would do all this for you.. it is only for the first child .." - you know what?That is when i decided that for my marriage i will not invite you.. you would be the one who would be left out when the choice came to me.. and that is exactly what i did.. went ahead and married the man of my choice with just 2 of my close friends.. i was 13 when i decided that you would not be invited for my wedding.. to imagine that you have all been shocked when i finally did it at 23!.. or may be it was dear old akka.. who was painfully made aware by all and sundry that she is less beautiful and less intelligent than i was.. and that made her stoke your hate for me.. poor thing... atleast she made an effort to love me and failed.. and appa.. anyway you fed anger and hatred against appa in all of us.. even when we cowered when he lashed at the 2 of us in one of his innumberable mad fits.. you would put your arms around akka ! and say.." dont worry , let us both leave somewhere far a! way..&qu ot; and one day you did.. leaving me behind.. and i came crying and running to catch up with you.. you came backtoo..too bothered to even look behind where i was trailing you on the way back home..
For a good 23 years of my 26 years.. i spent wondering.. what was so wrong with me that my own mother hated me so much.. i look so much like you that there is no question of my being anybody else's.. even now there is no possible reason that i can think of.. my name would be too ridiculous a reason.. it has taken my wonderful hubby ,my best friend and a great but unfortunate friendship to tell me that i am worth being loved.. that sometimes people hate others for no reason at all.. that in fact, i am quiet likeable.. what hell i went through for those 23 years.. hating myself.. an educated, smart woman without a semblence of confidence.. a wimp who drank phenoyl at the age of 14.. (remember you saw me drink phenoyl and still waited till i went to school and the teacher bought me back vomiting and dizzy.. and you still didnt take me to the hospital.,.) ..

Of late a friend of mine said.." may be your mother pinned all her hopes on you.." - which one did i fail? i topped my class regularly, won more prizes than the rest of the family put together, am the only one to complete 2 competitive degrees with no donations whatsoever, am far ahead of any of the others in my corporate career.. all the parents wanted a daughter like me.. and they said so to you amma.. what was your problem with me.. I have moved away from you.. so that your ghost does not haunt the peaceful life that i enjoy now.. but sometimes.. i cant help but wonder.. Was it me.. or Was it something else..




Blogger Priyamvada_K said...

Wowww...that was heartfelt.


2:09 PM  
Blogger Premalatha said...

Hi anon,

You are not alone. it happened to many middle girl children I know. (Was it me.. or Was it something else..
).Be assured, it was not you.

1:54 AM  
Blogger aruna said...

yes, though you tend to forget and make sure within your self that you hate that person; once in a while, it comes to your heart abt what was wrong & it goes on for hours arguing within yourself abt the past. Everyone faces this situation. I am glad you are doing better now. Cheer up!

7:42 AM  
Blogger Rubic_Cube said...

If this was for real, I pity your Mom in not being able to love you. I thank God for having granted you a wonderful husband and life now. Believe in yourself and trust in the Lord that all that is happening is for YOUR BEST!

10:09 AM  
Blogger Priyamvada_K said...

Its not just to middle girl children as Premalatha says. Happens to eldest daughters also in son-preference families....
Except in cases where the girl is the only child.

Somehow moms are ok with the more docile girls, with those that weep or somehow accept that they are "inferior". But the intelligent, sensitive ones - especially those that have spunk - get rejected, put down or 'shown their place' one way or another by their own mothers. Somehow the mother feels threatened by these spunky girls, and ruthlessly tries to quench that spirit.

The girls, however - over the years, will keep trying to prove that they are "good enough".... That's the saddest part.

Not loving you is your mother's loss....I was about to say "not your loss" - but no. You've lost heavily, for no fault of yours.

Love and hugs,

3:57 PM  
Blogger மதி கந்தசாமி (Mathy) said...

Hi anon,

Priya has taken words out of my mouth. It could happen to any girl in a son preferred family. It could also happen to the first born, when the mom is married against her wishes (esp. when she had somebody else in her mind).

It's the spunky, sensitive kids who gets treated like how you were treated.

I am glad that you have moved on, coz that's the only thing possible.


5:09 PM  
Blogger Premalatha said...

Hi Mathy and Priya,

I have had the same problem you both are referring. but, imo, it is little different from the middle-child case. For example, in this post, she refers how her mother treated her sister (akka) better and told her (anon-poster) that she (mother) will not conduct seemantham for the second daughter. Whereas the son-prefering mothers (im my case it was the whole family and the entire clan), treat their daughters differeently, but the daughters when they grow up, understand that it is just the discrimination againts girls prevalent in the society, and so it is less to do with herself or her mother. so, the daughter goes less angry and moving on in this case is less difficult (I am not underestimating it, having had it myself, i am certainly not underestimating the effect of this). And, the middle child case is not gender specific. it happens to men as well. you will be surprised to know that it is not culture specific either. it is prevalent in other cultures as well. it is more to do with the psychology of the parent and parent-hood, as well as with the socio-economic situations and parent's work-life etc... Culture issues add to that and make them worse, but it is a different case from ours (inlcuding myself, girls)

4:47 AM  
Blogger Premalatha said...

Hi anon-poster,

if you can, forgiving them and moving on would be good for you. not because "it is the only option" as Mathy puts it, it is because it is the best option I have found out.

You have done a wonderful job of letting it out of your chest.


4:57 AM  
Blogger Premalatha said...

>not because "it is the only option" as Mathy puts it, it is because it is the best option I have found out.

quotes at wrong places. Sorry mathy. lemme try again.

It is not because it is the only option as Mathy puts it (mathy thinks?), it is because it is the best option I have found out from my experience.

12:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This resembles my story quite a lot. Just want you to know that it is better to let things slide. What matters is what you have and will continue to make of your life and your own family. All the best.

- another anon

1:30 AM  
Blogger Premalatha said...

Hi anon-poster and the another anon,

One thing you have to realise that, there is no need to prove yourself to anyone. Do not do that in any aspect. I know it myself that I have been constantly trying to prove myself not just to my family but to everyone I met and I tried in every aspect. One day I realised that there is no need for that. One does not need to be beautiful and/or intelligent at all. It is a cultural curse that we all try to be intelligents and successful. One does not need to be intelligent. No need to be successful at all. Love or not, one does not need to prove anything to anyone. More so, Love certainly does not need such things. I am glad you have found good souls around you. I agree with you that living away from them (your family) helps. It does. Last time when I met them (my family), I realised it even more. I have moved on. I can look at them with a pity that what they have lost and what they have made me lose. I am glad I am not losing anything anymore. I am glad that I am not hurt anymore.

Hope this helps.

10:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear anon,

I was touched by your writing. Mother-Child relationship is the most sacred of all and one that influences who you become. Sorry, that your mother failed miserably in this.

Hats off to you for making a good life for yourself despite the childhood trauma.

I can assure you one thing, when you have your own children and experiencie that unconditional love from them and also feeling in yourself the unconditional love you have for them will help you put the past behind you for good.

Take Care,
A mother

10:35 PM  
Blogger LAK said...

Very very touching. A mother's love is supposed to be unconditional. Like the previous comment(a mother) I would also say that you will find unconditional love from your kids when you have them---but--take care not to smother them and not to cling to them when they grow up!Am glad for you that you have found love now.

1:08 AM  

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